Letter from Husband (who is abroad) to Wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart,

Your Husband,
Allen

=====================

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses.

I am sending the expenses details:

1. The Milk Man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming everyday and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...

5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!!

Your Sweetheart

No Deer

An Arab being interviewed at the US Embassy.

CONSUL: Ur name please?

ARAB: Abdul Azis

C: Sex?

A: Er.... Yes, six times a week

C: I mean, male or female

A: Both male and female, and sometimes even camels

C: Holy cow!!

A: Yes, cows and dogs too

C: Man.. isn’t that hostile?

A: Horse style, dog style, any style

C: Oh, dear...

A: Deer? No deer. They run too fast..

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Bush's clock?' asked the man.

'Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISHA

Bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.'

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi"

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations ar over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
One color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 @ 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

Bush and Primary School Kids

Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little talk. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says,
"OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

Smart Cat

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ...........Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said..... "Coffee Break..... do your stuff."

................Coffee Break jumped to his feet..........

................ate the cookies..... .........

...............drank the milk........

...............sh*t on the paper.......

.............screwed the other three cats........

.............claimed he injured his back while doing so..........

........filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……

.......put in for Workers Compensation..........

.....and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!! !!!!!!!

Various jokes

Seorang laki-laki masuk ke sebuah toko buku dan menanyakan buku yangberjudul :
'Bagaimana menjadi Bos terhadap istri anda'
Si penjaga toko bilang :
"Buku-buku yg bertema science fiction ada dilantai2 pak..."

*****

Dua orang teman sedang berbincang-bincang,
"Istri gue kalo nyetir kayak kilat !"
"Maksud loe cepat kayak pembalap F1 gitu ?"
"Bukan, dia suka nyamber pohon !"

*****

Seorang laki-laki memasang iklan di koran yg bunyinya :
"Mencari seorang istri."
Keesokan harinya dia menerima ratusan surat balasan yg isinya hampir sama :
"Anda boleh ambil istri saya."

*****

Terdengar teriakan panik di sebuah kantor polisi :
"Pak polisi! istri saya sudah dua jam tidak kembali! aduh jangan2 dia diculik.. atau kecelakaan... atau sedang belanja! Ya Tuhan! moga2 dia tidak sedang belanja!"

*****

Seorang suami mendekati seorang gadis cantik di sebuah supermarket dan bilang :
"Maaf, saya kehilangan istri saya disini, bisa ngobrol sebentar barang duamenit?"
"Kenapa?" tanya si gadis
"Karena setiap saya ngobrol sama gadis cantik, istri saya tiba2 bisa muncul entah dari mana..."

*****

John menyapa temannya yg habis sakit dan menanyakan kabarnya.
"Udah baikan, thanks, tapi tau gak, waktu sakit kemarin merupakan pengalaman yang indah buat saya"
"Pengalaman yg indah?" tanya si John bingung, "Kenapa bisa?"
"Soalnya saya baru menyadari betapa istri saya sangat mencintai saya. Kemarin, waktu tukang koran atau tukang pos datang, istri saya buru2 ke depan menemui mereka. Sayabisa dengar dia dengan semangat bilang 'suami saya ada dirumah! suami saya ada dirumah!"

*****

Tiga orang suami sedang menceritakan perselingkuhan istrinya masing2.
Suami 1:
"Gila man...rasanya sih istri gue selingkuh sama tukang ledeng. Kemaris pas pulang kantor, gue nemuin sisa pipa dan tang di kolong tempat tidur gue."
Suami 2 :
"Kayaknya istri gue juga deh, dia sepertinya selingkuh sama orang PLN.Gue juga nemuin ada kabel dan obeng yang bukan punya gue di kolong tempat tidur!"
Suami 3 terlihat amat stress.
"Guys, tau gak...kayaknya istri gue selingkuh sama kuda !"
"Ah yg bener?!" kata kedua temannya gak percaya
"Bener, kemarin waktu gue pulang kerja, gue liat ada joki dikolong tempat tidur gue! "

Cara Pandang terhadap Boss & Staff

Bila boss tetap pada pendapatnya, itu berarti beliau konsisten.
Bila staff tetap pada pendapatnya, itu berarti dia keras kepala!

Bila boss berubah-ubah pendapat, itu berarti beliau fleksibel.
Bila staff berubah-ubah pendapat,itu berarti dia plin-plan!

Bila boss bekerja lambat, itu berarti beliau teliti.
Bila staff bekerja lambat itu berarti dia tidak 'perform'!

Bila boss bekerja cepat, itu berarti beliau 'smart'.
Bila staff bekerja cepat, itu berarti dia terburu-buru!

Bila boss lambat memutuskan, itu berarti beliau hati-hati.
Bila staff lambat memutuskan,itu berarti dia 'telmi'!

Bila boss mengambil keputusan cepat, itu berarti beliau berani mengambil keputusan.
Bila staff mengambil keputusan cepat, itu berarti dia gegabah!

Bila boss terlalu berani ambil resiko, itu berarti beliau risk-taking.
Bila staff terlalu berani ambil resiko,itu berarti dia sembrono!

Bila boss tidak berani ambil resiko, itu berarti beliau 'prudent'.
Bila staff tidak berani ambil resiko, itu berarti dia tidak berjiwa bisnis!

Bila boss mem-by pass prosedur, itu berarti beliau proaktif-inovatif.
Bila staff mem-by-pass prosedur, itu berarti dia melanggar aturan!

Bila boss curiga terhadap mitra bisnis, itu berarti beliau waspada.
Bila staff curiga terhadap mitra bisnis, itu berarti dia negative thinking!

Bila boss menyatakan : " Sulit "itu berarti beliau prediktif-antisipatif.
Bila staff menyatakan : " Sulit "itu berarti dia pesimistik!

Bila boss menyatakan : " Mudah "itu berarti beliau optimis.
Bila staff menyatakan : " Mudah "itu berarti dia meremehkan masalah!

Bila boss sering keluar kantor, itu berarti beliau rajin ke customer.
Bila staff sering keluar kantor, itu berarti dia sering kelayapan!

Bila boss sering entertainment, itu berarti beliau rajin melobi customer.
Bila staff sering entertainment, itu berarti dia menghamburkan anggaran!

Bila boss tidak pernah entertainment, itu berarti beliau berhemat.
Bila staff tidak pernah entertainment, itu berarti dia tidak bisa me-lobby customer!

Bila boss sering tidak masuk, itu berarti beliau kecapaian karena kerja keras.
Bila staff sering tidak masuk, itu berarti dia pemalas!

Bila boss minta fasilitas, itu berarti beliau menjaga citra perusahaan.
Bila staff minta fasilitas, itu berarti dia banyak menuntut!

Bila boss membuat tulisan seperti ini, itu berarti beliau humoris.
Bila staff membuat tulisan seperti ini,itu berarti dia :* frustrasi* iri terhadap karir orang lain* negative thinking* memprovokasi* tidak tahan banting* barisan sakit hati* berpolitik di kantor* tidak produktif* tidak sesuai dengan budaya yang ada!

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen andpay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Dementor (Indonesia)

Buat para penggemar serial Harry Potter pasti tau tentang Dementor. Digambarkan oleh tokoh Lupin bahwa Dementor adalah... "Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soul- less and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

Atau dengan kata lain, Dementor punya kemampuan menyedot semangat hidup manusia sampe bisa jadi putus asa. Belakangan ini, gue menemukan bahwa ternyata Dementor bukan cuma ada dalam fiksi. Repotnya, Dementor di dunia nyata lebih sulit dikenali. Kalo di cerita Harry Potter Dementor muncul dalam sosok yang mengerikan, berkulit kelabu dengan jari-jari kurus seperti kerangka, di dunia nyata mereka tampil seperti orang biasa. Mereka bisa aja duduk di sebelah lo di kantin, berdiri di belakang lo waktu ngantri karcis busway, atau yang lebih serem lagi: duduk di balik pintu bertuliskan "BOSS".

Persis seperti dalam cerita Harry Potter, berdekatan dengan para Dementor bisa bikin lo tiba-tiba merasa suram, putus asa, hidup tiada guna, negara serasa mau bangkrut, kiamat seakan minggu depan, kerja kayak nggak ada gunanya, dsb, dsb. Pada stadium lanjutan, infeksi Dementor bisa mengakibatkan timbulnya rasa curiga kalo orang lain berhasil, sirik kalo liat orang lain senang, bahkan terasa dorongan ingin nyabot sukses orang. Dengan kata lain, Dementor itu menular, dan dampak penularannya sangat merugikan. Hati-hati!

Kenapa kita sebaiknya jangan sampe ketularan jadi Dementor? Karena nggak ada orang yang seneng denger keluhan, termasuk diri kita sendiri. Semakin banyak lo mengeluh, semakin lo benci sama diri sendiri. Semakin lo benci sama diri sendiri, lo semakin yakin bahwa diri lo nggak berguna. Semakin lo yakin diri lo nggak berguna, semakin tertutup jalan untuk hidup lebih baik.

Kenali Dementor sejak dini Penampilan boleh nipu, tapi Dementor sejati nggak pernah bisa menyembunyikan sifat aslinya. Ciri-ciri yang paling gampang dikenali adalah:

1. Frekuensi curhat yang sangat tinggi, dengan topik masalah pribadi yang seolah penting banget untuk diketahui semua orang, dan nggak ada solusinya. Yang paling mengganggu dari kebiasaan Dementor yang satu ini adalah, mereka bisa bikin sebuah acara ngumpul yang tadinya 'seru' dan 'hore' jadi ngedrop dengan curhatan-curhatannya.
Contoh:
"Eh si X baru beli HP lho!" kata seseorang
"Oh ya, apa merknya?" sambut yang lain antusias
"Sony Ericsson, kalo nggak salah"
"SE?! Wah siap-siap aja tuh, kan batrenya cepet bocor. Nih gue pake SE baru sebentar udah rese gini batrenya... blablabla... mana harga jualnya cepet jatuh... blablabla... mau beli lagi nggak ada duit... blablabla... apa-apa sekarang mahal... blablabla... gaji nggak naik-naik... "
Pokoknya begitu si Dementor angkat bicara, semua yang hadir tiba-tiba merasa suntuk, lesu, nggak bergairah. Atau dengan kata lain, ya itu tadi: ngedrop.

2. Dementor selalu mampu melihat sisi jelek dari segala sesuatu, nggak peduli sebagus apapun keadaannya. Kalo mau dibilang sebagai 'bakat', memang kemampuan Dementor yang satu ini nggak dimiliki kebanyakan orang. Saat semua orang terkagum-kagum atas kehebatan sesuatu, para Dementor dengan kejelian yang luar biasa selalu mampu menemukan celanya.
Contoh:
"Gue kemarin ketemu sama suaminya Ibu X. Ya ampun, orangnya ganteng sekali ya... udah gitu keliatannya baik, lagi."
"Iya, gue juga pernah ketemu. Dia juga setia, lho..."
"Jangan lupa, pinter pula. Kalo nggak salah dia lulusan terbaik waktu kuliah dulu."
"Pantesan karirnya juga bagus, ya. Sekarang posisinya udah lumayan tinggi, kan ?"
"...kalo tidur pasti ngorok kaya babi," kata sang Dementor merusak suasana.

3.Dementor senang membandingkan diri dengan lawan bicara, sedemikian rupa sehingga dirinya terdengar jauh lebih apes, dan akhirnya lawan bicara menjadi sungkan.
Contoh:
"Hai, gue denger abis pindah rumah ya?"
"Iya nih, biasa... pinjeman dari kantor..."
"Ih enak ya, kantornya ngasih pinjemen rumah.. gue dong masih ngontrak mulu..."
"Oh..."
"Mana gaji nggak naik-naik, buat bayar kontrakan aja udah ngepas, gimana mau nabung buat beli rumah?"
"Ehm... tapi..."
"Udah mana sekarang BBM naik, apa-apa ikut naik, makin cekak aja deh rasanya... Kalo elu kan enak, gaji gede, fasilitas banyak..."
"Eh... permisi dulu ya, mau gantung diri dulu bentar boleh?"

4. Dementor gemar mematikan semangat orang lain. Seperti pasukan pemadam kebakaran ngeliat api, semakin besar apinya, semakin giat upayanya untuk memadamkan.
Contoh:
"Gue mau coba bisnis baru nih!"
"Bisnis apa?"
"Jualan baju anak-anak"
"Yahhh... hari gini jualan baju! Nggak liat tuh, di ITC yang jualan baju udah segambreng?"
"...tapi koleksi gue unik-unik lho! Lain daripada yang lain deh!"
"Alaaah... unik kaya apa sih, paling sebentar lagi juga pasaran. Liatin aja!"
"Euh... gue juga berencana ngikutin perkembangan tren lho..."
"Emangnya lu kira gampang? Gue pernah tuh, coba jualan baju kayak elu. Awalnya semangat, eh terakhirnya malah rugi. Mana barang dagangan dibawa kabur orang..."dst dst dst.
Kiat menghadapi Dementor Cara paling aman adalah: jangan dideketin. Begitu seseorang yang ada di dekat lo menunjukkan ciri-ciri seorang Dementor, segeralah jauh-jauh. Cari alasan apa aja, bilang mau beli rokok ke Ujung Kulon kek, mau nguras sumur kek, terserah. Yang penting jangan deket-deket mereka. Ingat, Dementor itu sangat menular!

Checklist Dementor
Sedangkan bagi kalian yang selama ini telah menjadi Dementor tapi nggak menyadarinya, coba teliti daftar berikut. Kalo kalian merasa setuju dengan 5 pernyataan atau lebih, hati-hati, kalian sedang menjelma menjadi Dementor. Segeralah minta pertolongan profesional, sebelum terlambat.

1. Sebagian besar orang lebih beruntung dari gue
2. Nggak ada orang yang bisa hidup layak dengan gaji sekecil gue
3. Semakin lama, kondisi perekonomian semakin buruk. Gue nggak tau bulan depan masih bisa hidup atau enggak
4. Gue nggak tau gue ingin jadi apa
5. Gue benci sama kantor gue, tapi kalo gue resign nanti nggak ada kantor lain yang mau nerima
6. Naik pangkat? Jangan ah. Ntar kalo gagal gimana?
7. Tentu aja dia naik pangkat. Rajin jilat pantat, pasti.
8. Dari dulu memang gue ditakdirkan apes
9. Gue nggak pinter, makanya nggak bisa sukses kayak orang lain
10. Orang tua gue asal-asalan nyekolahin gue, makanya gue jadi kaya gini sekarang
11. Gue nggak kebayang gimana caranya biar bisa hidup lebih baik
12. Orang emang gampang kasih nasehat. Mereka belum ngerasain susahnya hidup gue sih.
13. Percuma gue kerja keras, toh tiap bulan gajinya cuma segitu-segitu aja
14. Orang lain enak punya duit buat refreshing. Gue boro-boro refreshing, makan aja susah. Makanya harap maklum kalo gue stress.
15. Gue udah ketuaan untuk nyoba hal baru
16. Kenapa sih nggak ada orang yang ngertiin gue
17. Orang lain enak, punya orang tua kaya buat minjem duit kalo butuh. Giliran gue, yang ada emak gue nodong mulu buat beli beras
18. Kalo ada orang baik sama gue, pasti ada maunya
19. Boss muji gue? Pasti dia salah orang.
20. "7 Habits"-nya Steven Covey? Itu kan buatan Amerika, mana bisa berlaku di sini
21. Luna Maya aja masih ngejomblo, apalagi gue yang jelek begini
22. Emang dunia makin parah. Kucing aja makin hari makin kurang ajar.

Pesan bagi para Dementor, Tema utama hidup kalian adalah: merasa diri sebagai orang paling apes sedunia. Padahal sekarang penduduk dunia ada 6.7 miliar orang. Jadi, lo harus mengalahkan keapesannya 6.699.999.999 orang. Itu nggak gampang, lho.
Apa iya lo sehebat itu?

Fun Count

Sleepy?? Hungry?? Better if we try to count just for fun.

Type your birthday date, then:
1. Multiply by 4
2. Add 13
3. Multiply by 25
4. Subtract by 200
5. Add your birthday month
6. Multiply by 2
7. Subtract by 40
8. Multiply by 50
9. Add 2 last digits of your birthday year
10. Subtract by 10500

Just try, in the end you must find an unique number..